Depressed
This blog has been quiet for some time. It has seen absences before but none this prolonged. I had thought to give it up entirely. Still, I feel like saying a few more things.
I don’t think I’ve talked about it much before but everyday life can be a real struggle for me. Is a real struggle for me. I hesitate to use the language of mental health because I’ve never visited a therapist or psychiatrist but I have spent, and continue to spend, a significant portion of my life depressed. In a funk. Blue. Down.
I don’t think this is too obvious to even my friends but my husband knows. My mother knows.
I have good times, times when I could conquer the world, when nothing is too hard, too risky, too daunting. But those times are inevitably followed by the dark times: when facing a new day is just this side of impossible. In these periods of darkness I feel certain that I will never find safety, joy, or hope again. In these times just getting out of bed requires much will, and merely eating food is a grim battle with lethargy.
When the blog falls silent, I am probably just trying to scrape together the willpower to make lunch for my children. In those times the effort of blogging is quite beyond me.
From what people tell me I know I look pretty put together. I have a wide range of skills, long periods of high energy, and a strong drive to be, or at least appear, omni-competent. But everyone has their battle. None of us get out of this life easily. We are born to sorrow as the sparks fly upward. Some people’s struggles are well hidden. Some are out there. Some are hard to understand unless you’ve lived the same. We could all offer and receive more grace for the hidden sorrows.
August 30th, 2011 at 10:06 am
Hi Amanda – I'm the same way. Efficient, reliable, competent, and often dragging a heavy weight. If you aren't opposed to it, meds can be a great help.
I tried to go without for years, feeling that if I took meds, I'd somehow be cheating or not making the changes to my life that the depression indicated I needed. However, I had no energy to make those changes, my brain chemistry was screwed up. I feel much better on meds, for better or worse.
August 30th, 2011 at 10:09 am
Thank you Ellie. I've thought about meds. In principle I am not opposed – but I still hesitate. I'm not sure why.
August 31st, 2011 at 8:47 am
I'm a long time reader of your blog and am sorry to hear that you are struggling with depression. I think you already know that you are not alone as so many people suffer this way. You shouldn't hesitate to take medicine if that is what it takes to make you feel better. Sometimes things like this are a chemical imbalance that you can't talk yourself out of. I hope you will find the solution that is right for you and look forward to future blog posts if you feel like you want to write.
September 1st, 2011 at 11:18 am
If you're conscious that you have this much of a problem, get help now. Serious, professional help. These things do not get better on their own and when they get worse, you can rapidly lose touch with reality and might not be able to make a second appeal for help.
The internet is not the place for this. You need to see a real, actual doctor. Your MD can either prescribe medication or give you a referral to a specialist. It may be expensive, but your life (and your family's lives) are worth it.
This is coming from someone whose been down this road with entirely too many people.
September 1st, 2011 at 11:57 am
I disagree. "This much of a problem" does not necessarily require "Serious, professional help" "now".
I do have problems. I do struggle with depressive episodes, and I have for a long time. I am not, nor have I ever been so far down that I was unable to acknowledge that it would eventually end or know that reality didn't match my mental picture. I am able to function, care for myself and my family.
Writing about the struggle is not the same thing as a cry for help. My road is not the same as R's or M's. I'm OK, life is just harder for me right now than it looks and I wanted to talk about it. And the internet is a perfectly fine place to write about it. I appreciate your concern, I really do. Maybe I wrote about it too bleakly, because I have spent the last two months depressed (or what for me is depressed) but in those two months I've also done lots of fun stuff, had a good summer with my boys, been a supportive wife to my husband who is working long hours, etc. I wrote about my darkest feelings, the lowest moments, and I think that's legitimate because I've had to work through them. Make lunch when I didn't want to. Eat when I felt like napping instead. It has often been very difficult, but never scary bad. I have no fear that I would hurt myself or my children. That is not on the menu.
I know you love people who have had serious problems with depression. But there are differences of kind as well as degree and I am making good decisions about managing my symptoms.
September 2nd, 2011 at 9:52 am
You sound like Abraham Lincoln. Are you sleeping OK?
September 2nd, 2011 at 11:08 am
Sometimes I sleep OK, but am often restless and insomniac.
Lincoln eh? Maybe I can be president too
September 2nd, 2011 at 11:22 am
You may have meloncholia. Here is a book about it:
http://www.amazon.com/Lincolns-Melancholy-Depress…
September 3rd, 2011 at 12:34 pm
Not totally related, but you might like this:
http://www.theascension.org/sermons/jesus-transfo…
November 4th, 2011 at 3:09 pm
[...] may recall that I posted about being depressed a while ago. I continued to have a very hard time with feeling down and finally decided to try [...]
November 6th, 2011 at 3:52 pm
I know I always seem chipper and bright (at least online, lol) but I struggle with depression as well…. it ain't no picnic, huh? Many warm and gentle ((hugs)) as well as a second to the suggestion that you look into medication. It doesn't have to be a long term thing… I was on meds for the first couple of years after my husband left. Without them I think I would have been pretty much non-functional, but with them I was able to put one foot in front of the other at least. I haven't needed anything for years, but man-O-man was I grateful for them when I did.
Have you read this gal's post on depression? It made me laugh and cry and want to reach out and hug the entire world… read it. Now. I promise it'll make you feel better:) http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adv…
November 7th, 2011 at 10:09 am
Thank you for your comment Diane! I have now looked into medication and am taking Zoloft (see my Update, linked above). I am hopeful that I will be able to wean off in a few years and am grateful that I haven't been suffering from too many side effects so far.
Oh! Thanks for linking Allie's post! I love her work and that made me laugh and cry a bit too!
Tell me, how is Christmas looking for your family this year?