Sex and Marriage
I very occasionally participate in the online community at Dooce.com. I enjoy Heather Armstrong’s rants and some of the discussions over there are quite interesting. Today someone posted a question asking if anyone waited for sex until marriage. The typical response was along the lines of “no way”, “would you buy a car without test-driving it” and “that’s a crazy/stupid idea.” I posted this response:
“My husband and I were both virgins and waited, even to kiss, until our wedding.
I find the idea that you would actually have sex with someone you were not married to absurd. I simply don’t understand how anyone can live that way. I also think that it would be incredibly difficult to deal with having had multiple sexual relationships.
I also think that the “test drive” concept is a ridiculous, reductive analogy.”
The original poster replied with a semi-serious, semi-sarcastic, request for some explanation in which she emphasized the following risks of not taking your future spouse for a “test drive”: not knowing if your husband might be a bad kisser and/or bad at sex, and not knowing about orgasms. The original poster also pre-apologized for her sarcasm. My extended answer was as follows:
“I’m nearly un-offendable so so don’t worry 
I find sex to be an incredibly intimate, vulnerable act. My understanding is that this is the general consensus of history also, although not the consensus of our culture. I can’t imagine engaging in it with someone with whom I had not made vows of fidelity. Not only is it intimate and vulnerable for the immediate participants, sex also makes children: new human lives. That is huge. Amazing. Earth-shattering. And not something to be done lightly or by strangers.
I believe that having sex permanently alters your relationship with someone: makes you connected to them forever in a really transformative way. Once again, this is something that our culture doesn’t really believe but I think that it is true nonetheless and that we can see the effects, acknowledged or not. Therefore having that relationship with more than one living person would be highly problematic. That many people do live with this difficulty, and incorporate it into their lives doesn’t make it a good thing.
I think the car thing is ridiculous and reductive because another human being is an incredibly rich and awe-inspiring complex of emotions, needs, abilities, and potentialities. Engaging in an intimate relationship with them is even more rich and fraught. The idea that sex is a static experience that can, should, and will stay the same is a shallow and impossible view. The sex a couple has on their wedding night, is not the same as the sex a couple has on their tenth anniversary, is not the same sex a couple has after the birth of their first child, is not the same as they have on their 30th anniversary. Not only that, but the sex eventually stops; sometimes when a couple is in their 50s, sometimes when they are in their 80s, sometimes much earlier due to accidents or medical issues. But it is finite, and while important, not everything.
Virgins don’t always know what they can should get out of sex, but that knowledge shouldn’t have to come from multiple partners. You’ve known virgins that didn’t learn about orgasms until years after getting married and I’ve known virgins that enjoyed them on their wedding night. Better communication between parents and children and between husbands and wives can help immensely. I learned a lot about sex from medical books, my mother, and my older sister. I learn more about it from my relationship with my husband all the time.
I too wanted to know that the sex would be great. I also wanted to know that I would always be happy, or that we would always have enough money. It turns out that sometimes the sex is great, sometimes it’s just ok, and that it is always a little mysterious and wonderful. I’m mostly happy and so far we’ve always had enough (at least just enough) money. There are no guarantees in life for any of these things and having sex before you get married in no way guarantees (or even improves your chances of) having a satisfying sex life.”
The original poster thanked me for my response.
January 13th, 2010 at 5:11 pm
Thank you for your candor. I think everyone’s input on such topics helps us as a society grow. I did not wait for marriage to have sex. However, I did get married because I felt guilty having sex with a non-husband. BIG MISTAKE. Your comment, “I believe that having sex permanently alters your relationship with someone: makes you connected to them forever in a really transformative way” to be total b.s.
I was married for 12 years to husband #1. He cheated on me with the next door neighbor. I’m altered beccause of that act of betrayal. However, I am no longer connected to him save for legally. Emotionally I’m blank where he is concerned.
The human experience is diverse. What is right for one person is not necessarily right for another. However, sharing the human experiences is important and I thank you.
January 14th, 2010 at 12:34 am
I am sorry for your devastating personal experience. I don't want to argue with your understanding of your emotional state but I do want to say just a few things in reply.
By saying that you are connected to someone you have sex with, I do NOT mean that you somehow can or should remain with them, or continue to have any kind of romantic feelings for them, either positive or negative. What I mean is that I believe that two really do become "one-flesh" and that is something that isn't really undone when a couple breaks up. However, if anything can undo it, adultery would be that thing.
Human experience IS diverse, but I do not believe that moral relativism is true, possible, or logically coherent. What is right, is right and what is wrong, is wrong. We don't have a perfect understanding of right and wrong in this sad and fallen world but there are real absolutes that we will inevitably come up against as we live.
Anyway, thanks for your comment and thanks for reading my blog.
January 13th, 2010 at 7:42 pm
Thanks for your response. I think we both understand the other’s perspective. In my case I was married for 12 years and was faithful but I learned that doing the “right” things takes two partners doing the right things. Connection happens in the soul, not of the flesh in my thought processes so I do understand how and why you would wait and how and why it works for you. People are not car tires.
January 14th, 2010 at 3:05 am
Oh Amanda this was lovely. Thank you so much for your viewpoint. I am bookmarking this to use in reference to talking to Bailey about making the right choice when it comes to pre-marital sex. so perfect and poignant. Again, thank you!
January 14th, 2010 at 3:14 am
Thank you for your kind words. I hope it is helpful for her!
January 14th, 2010 at 3:15 am
I think we do understand. Thank you for the interaction!
January 14th, 2010 at 1:20 pm
Dear Amanda,
This is beautiful–thank you for sharing it! Would that more people shared your sense and sensibility.
shalom,
Steven
January 21st, 2010 at 7:14 pm
[...] not sure where to start with this YA title, nor where to end. First of all these thoughts from a blogger named Amanda on sex and marriage directly relate to my appreciation or lack thereof for Ms. Ockler’s book, so read what Amanda [...]
February 2nd, 2010 at 1:48 am
Good points. They got me thinking:
We test drive cars to make sure that they will fulfill our own personal needs, that they will do everything we want to use them for, and that we won't have to waste too much energy dealing with them. It hardly seems appropriate to relate to a person in this way- unless we want them to be our slave or something.
February 8th, 2010 at 3:58 pm
My dear-
Can I please steal this from you? I think it would be very helpful for the girls in my youth group. Everywhere they turn, they are barraged with input that sex is no big deal, as long as you truly love your "first." I seriously have junior high girls who have more experience than me…and I have been married for nearly five years. They are crazy for "The Pregnancy Pact" (on Lifetime maybe? I don't have cable, I've never seen it). I know the point of the show is to teach young girls how difficult pregnancy and motherhood is, but I feel it still glamourizes it. Like, "hey, you can be on TV if you get knocked up when you are 15!"
Also, could you offer some thoughts about "how far is too far," especially for these young girls?
Squeeze those precious little boys for me!
Bri
February 8th, 2010 at 4:29 pm
Please do use whatever you can! I wish you and your youth group were nearby so I could speak to them.
I find that the question of "How far is too far?" is terribly short sighted. I believe that any and all sex-related acts must be saved for marriage. Pragmatically speaking anything that gets a couple excited sexually should be avoided until you are in a position to actually consumate it – otherwise you are just messing with your decisions and beliefs.
If you rationally decide that you need to lose weight and then go in to the kitchen and cook up a fabulously fattening gourmet meal, set the table, and sit down and stare and sniff it – you're just setting yourself up to fail yourself. Decisions made under the sway of strong emotional and physical stimulation, are rarely in your best interest and in this case will be diametrically opposed to what you had already decided you believed was right.
The time to control your behavior is long before the physical stimulation takes over. Avoid the kinds of interaction and situations that set you up for sudden failure. At the very least, commit yourself to delaying if you think you're changing your mind about waiting for marriage. The part of the brain that measures long-term risk is the least developed part of a young-person's mind. Whenever you feel a sudden urge to completely alter your priorities, or do something a little crazy, just put it off a bit.
Instead, find ways to redirect your energy. Don't bother with dating until you're much closer to being ready to be married. That age is different for different people, but it is just a waste of time and energy to pursue romantic relationships until you are within a year or two of being ready for marriage. Friendship teaches you more about individuals and about relationships than dating anyway. Something that the Christian Church does a poor job of these days, is teaching the concept of sublimation. It is silly to try and work up a lot of energy directed at abstinence. Abstinence is a negative concept and it is very difficult to sustain effort in "not doing" something – especially something as mysterious and wonderful as sex. As a young woman one could be sublimating one's sexual energy into a lot of other things. Instead of focusing on romance and romantic relationships, focus on something of greater benefit to you now and later. Develop your skills and gifts. Work on long and short-term goals. Be creative, productive, and interesting. Whatever you are meant for, make it happen. Sex will be a big part of your life, and your sexuality will always be a part of who you are, but it needs to be shaped and directed to the greater good of your character just as the rest of you does.
Does that help?